HEAVEN — Within moments of arriving at the Pearly Gates, local boomer Gary Whitaker located Heaven's sound booth and politely but firmly informed the angelic operator that the worship music was too loud.
Witnesses said Whitaker had barely finished greeting loved ones and beholding the radiant glory of Christ before spotting the celestial mixing console and making a beeline for the six-winged, lion-headed creature covered in eyes all over who was in charge of the audio mix.
"Hey, chief, can you turn the volume down?" Whitaker said, gesturing toward the thunderous chorus of millions of voices singing in harmony before the throne of God. "Is there any way we could bring it down about 25%? It's just a bit loud for me. Ever thought about an acoustic set?"
Heavenly sources confirmed that this was not an uncommon occurrence, noting that a small but steady stream of boomers attempt to locate the thermostat or "whoever's in charge of the volume."
"It's become a routine thing, now that more boomers are starting to arrive," said one spokesangel. "Fortunately, it doesn't bother Gary, our sound angel. We are in Heaven, after all."
At publishing time, Whitaker had asked if there was a "traditional service" available elsewhere in Heaven with "decibels that don't rattle my heavenly body."
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