New York Times To Run All Facts By Angry, Pitchfork-Wielding Mob Before Going To Print
Worldviews · Aug 6, 2019 ·

NEW YORK, NY - In an effort to improve the newspaper's ability to communicate the truths that its readers want to hear, The New York Times announced Tuesday its new fact-checking process: running all facts and headlines by an angry mob of liberal protesters before going to print.

Every fact and headline will be meticulously checked by a group of angry leftists before it's approved for publication.

"The Times has become known for bringing you all the news that's fit to print as long as it doesn't challenge a leftist worldview in any way," said New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet. "That's why we're taking this next step, to make sure ideas, facts, and details that might fly in the face of your preconceived, liberal notions about the way the world works are all left on the cutting room floor."

Times editors will hold a copy of the paper up in front of the review team, which consists of 300 angry, unemployed liberal arts college grads. If the review team screams and begins throwing feces around, the headlines will be deemed problematic and will be sent back to Times writers for another pass. Should the review team say the paper is "stunning and brave" and applaud using jazz hands, the headlines and facts will go to print as written.

"Everything's up for review here: opinions, framing, headlines, and the truth," Baquet said. "It's our mission as journalists to make sure you only see ideas you already agree with, and we'll stand by that purpose statement."

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