New York Times Reports 18 Billion People Will Die From Republican Tax Plan

NEW YORK, NY—New projections worked up by the New York Times in conjunction with liberal think tank Progress At All Costs suggest that the new Republican tax plan will kill up to 18 billion people out of the 7.4 billion people currently living on the planet.

The Times published its findings on Monday, sounding the alarm that the adjusted tax plan will mean certain death for everybody on the planet “and then some.”

“We’ve run the numbers, and the tweaks to the current tax code will definitely kill everyone at least twice,” the Times wrote in its grave prediction. “Even those living outside the U.S. will be slaughtered by a ripple effect generated by the shuffling around of the current tax system, as minor as the adjustments may seem to some.”

“This is the end of humanity,” the Times article concluded ominously.

The detailed report suggested that the government taking slightly less money from the citizens of the U.S. would have detrimental effects, causing everything from volcanic eruptions and destructive tidal waves to a catastrophic, intergalactic invasion from aliens who feed on all organic life.