NEW YORK, NY—After 50 years, the New York Times has finally confirmed the authenticity of the Watergate tapes that brought down the Nixon Presidency.
"For a long time, we all assumed the tapes were Russian disinformation designed to sow chaos and confusion," said Editor-in-Chief Dean Baquet. "But then after watching a few documentaries and reading the Wikipedia page on the subject, we're able to say with 98% certainty that they're probably real."
Investigators now believe the Times sat on the tapes for several months to protect President Nixon before The Washington Post got ahold of the tapes and broke the story themselves.
When confronted about the corruption and malpractice of sitting on a bombshell story to protect a political candidate, Baquet replied "What do you expect? We're the ones who reported in 1939 that Poland invaded Germany. You shouldn't take us seriously. We're basically satire at this point."
The New York Times later confirmed they are also close to verifying the authenticity of Monica Lewinsky's blue dress.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!