Life
New Smart Thermostat Automatically Sets Temperature To Whatever Your Wife Wants

U.S.—Pioneering smart thermostat company Matrimostat announced a brand-new thermostat that will automatically set the temperature to whatever your wife wants.

“The Matrimostat 2000 uses advanced quantum technology to identify your wife’s temperature preference before she even mentions it --often before she even knows it!” says CTO Ted Shmarmanarf. “It’s a lot more challenging than it sounds. Research showed that many women don’t know what they want until at least an hour after they wish it had already happened, so the thermostat had to be able to accommodate for that.”

"Now this is one smart thermostat."

Shmarmanarf says that the solution involved patented scanners that measure not only the temperature of the house, but also the behaviors and mood of the female spouse. The scanner identifies whether the matriarch has recently wrapped herself in a blanket, put on a jacket, or made herself some hot tea, and uses an advanced algorithm to incorporate those behaviors into its temperature adjustments.

“The one thing we did have working for us is the fact that women are almost always too cold, and seldom ever too hot,” says Shmarmanarf. “This made predicting their preferred temperature much easier.”

However, since women are ultimately impossible to understand, the smart thermostat has an ultimate hail-mary feature built-in that activates in the event the wife still expresses dissatisfaction with the current temperature. This feature actually sends a signal back in time to its previous self, so that the temperature will already be set to whatever your wife now wants.

“Of course, by that time, the woman still usually changes her mind.”

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