BEVERLY HILLS, CA—The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced this week that in order to be considered for the Academy Award for Best Picture, films must contain a scene where Mark Hamill milks an alien cow.
"In the interest of inclusion, we will only consider movies for Best Picture if they have Mark Hamill co-star as a disgruntled old man living on a remote planet and show him milking an alien cow and then disgustingly slurping it down," said Academy spokesperson Bryan Jonsun, a mustachioed man wearing thick glasses. "A scene like this is a sure sign your movie is deep and subversive and worthy of a Best Picture award."
"Also, the director should be lavished with accolades and honored as a revolutionary thinker in filmmaking," Jonsun added, adjusting his glasses.
Other future standards the Academy is considering implementing include the following:
- The plot must center around a dog who is uncannily good at sports
- There must be a scene where the protagonist walks away from an explosion in slow motion
- The movie must include a hacker who frantically types on a keyboard before declaring, "I'm in!"
- The climax of the film must be a dance-off between the hero and the villain
- The film must be framed as a grandfather reading a bedtime story to Fred Savage
- The lesson of the movie must be that the real destination was just the friends they made along the way.
Since only The Last Jedi actually has a scene with Mark Hamill milking an alien cow, every Best Picture winner over the past century will be stripped of the award and they will all be retroactively awarded to Rian Johnson's groundbreaking film.