WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark compromise between Democrats and Republicans, the Senate is set to vote on a new anti-murder bill that will limit the allowed murders to only 5,000 per day.
The bill will also send $60 billion to Ukraine, $15 billion to Israel, and another $100 billion to Iran.
"Democrats wanted more murder, and we wanted less. We feel this is a reasonable compromise," said Senator Mitch McConnell to reporters before staring blankly at the cameras for 10 minutes straight. "Every day once we hit 5,000 killings, that's it — no more killing! And we're gonna be strict about that."
"Just think of all the additional killings above 5,000 per day that will be prevented by this important legislation."
Some conservatives in Congress have challenged the language in the bill, suggesting that zero murders would be a preferable number. "I dunno, do we have to have murder at all?" said a confused Ted Cruz. "Like, murder is bad and stuff. Maybe zero would be a better number than 5,000." Cruz was quickly condemned by every journalist on the hit show Morning Joe as a shameful partisan.
At publishing time, senators had reassured their biggest pro-murder donors that the bill wouldn't solve anything.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.