DES MOINES, IA — Any impending societal collapse would likely pose no threat to a local man who, despite needing 37 matches to start his grill, expressed total confidence that he could survive alone in the woods of Alaska.
The man was quick to tell his family and close friends that his extensive survival skills would be more than sufficient to keep him alive if he found himself stranded in the vast, unpopulated wilderness of The Last Frontier.
"I could totally make it on my own," said Ken Blanchard. "I know it's a deadly, unforgiving wasteland filled with wild animals and inhospitable weather, but I'm just cut from a different cloth. Did you see me light my grill today to cook those burgers? I got that fire roaring faster than I ever have before."
When questioned about the number of matches it took him to light the grill, Blanchard was quick to explain. "It was windy, alright?" he said. "It's always trickier to light a grill in February, anyway. Everyone knows that. And that doesn't mean anything. It's not like it would be that cold or windy in Alaska. I'm a man who is made for the great outdoors. A throwback to the great men of old. The pioneers. I'm like that."
At publishing time, Blanchard's friends agreed that he would indeed survive being stuck in the Alaskan wilderness as long as he was stranded with several pallets of food, a functioning satellite phone, lighter fluid, and approximately 1,468 matches.
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