U.S. — The tech world is abuzz over an innovative new productivity app now available for iPhone and Android. The app is said to boost productivity by simply turning the phone off for a very long time.
"This is a genius solution," said billionaire tech entrepreneur Dass Blinken, who created the app. "Our focus groups found that when their phones were completely shut down and unusable for days, their productivity skyrocketed as much as 100,000%. Amazing!"
The app, called "Brbll," follows the agreed-upon Silicon Valley rules which require all apps to be named after the sound a baby might make and have no vowels. Sources say it is a free download requiring only a few megabytes of phone storage and promises to unlock the untapped human potential of billions around the globe by utterly disabling the idiotic glass screen they've been staring at uninterrupted for the last 10 years.
"Some early tests have found even more applications for this technology," said Blinken. "These include improving family relationships, increasing the likelihood of a promotion at work, decreasing traffic fatalities, curing depression, calming political tensions at home and abroad, preventing heart disease, and saving your eternal soul. So cool!"
At publishing time Elon Musk had announced he invented an even more effective app called "Throw Your Phone Against the Wall."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
