U.S. - A CNN poll has revealed a surprisingly sizable majority of unborn babies are in favor of overturning the infamous Roe v. Wade decision. The fetuses allegedly frown upon abortions for interfering with their ability to be alive.
According to experts, approximately 100% of unborn babies want to live, and hate the thought of being poisoned, chemically burned, or dismembered by their own mothers. Democrats have decried the fetuses for cramming their personal beliefs down the throats of women who just want to go about their lives freely and kill a few babies in the process.
"We can't let a clump of cells put their needs ahead of the emotional security of a woman!" cried Elizabeth Warren before being canceled by a bunch of women who identify as men for forgetting to use the more inclusive term "birthing person."
Democratic leadership has mocked the results of the poll, saying that it doesn't count because fetuses aren't American citizens yet.
"This isn't complicated," said Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Babies born in America become American citizens. If they're not born they aren't American - and therefore not alive."
"Duh!"
President Biden issued a statement in light of nationwide protests. "Look, I don't personally believe that you should murder babies but I'm not going to impose that choice on anyone else. Come on, fetuses!"
Fetuses have reached out to the ACLU for assistance by calling them with tiny womb phones but were rejected for being politically inconvenient.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
