GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Zondervan has announced an exciting new edition of the Bible that specifically mentions each character's political affiliation.
Every name in the Bible will be followed by an "R" for Republican or a "D" for Democrat.
"Obviously, right off the bat, God is followed by an R, while the serpent is followed by a D," the project's chief editor, Dr. Gary Leyland, told reporters. "Those ones are easy. Some of the other characters are a little tougher, as we have little written evidence of their modern American political ideology. But we can usually figure it out with context. For instance, if a character works a lot and is rich, they're a Republican. If a character is poor and wears sandals, definitely Democrat. Except for Jesus."
"The weird characters no one likes are probably libertarians."
Here are some of the characters whose political identity is revealed for the first time:
- The whore of Babylon: Democrat
- King David: Republican
- Balaam: Republican
- Balaam's ass: Democrat
- Crying baby Jesus: Democrat
- Adolescent Jesus: Libertarian
- Mature, grown-up Jesus: Republican
- Judas Iscariot: Never Trumper but labeled as Democrat for accuracy's sake
- Paul: Democrat before conversion, Republican after
- Greedy servant: Republican
Every name in those really long genealogies is assumed to be a Republican, since Democrats are against having kids.