HOLLYWOOD, CA—A new filtering service aims to make films more acceptable to a Christian audience by replacing every actor with Kirk Cameron.
KirkView, an upstart tech company founded "by Christians, for Christians," is trying to help believers watch filthy movies by digitally imposing Cameron over all the actors in the film. Previous streaming services have replaced cuss words and suggestive scenes, but now Christians can watch movies the way God intended: by only seeing Kirk Cameron in every role.
The service has levels ranging from "baby Christian," where Cameron only replaces a few of the actors, to "Holy man of God," where Cameron replaces absolutely everybody. The streaming service dynamically generates Cameron's patented acting abilities, simulating his wide range of emotions and dialogue over top the original actor's face. Of course, all of the dialogue has been altered to remove cursing and coarse jesting, leading to classic scenes where Cameron yells things like, "Yippee ki-yay, sinner in need of Jesus!" and "I have had it with these gosh-darned snakes on this dad-gum plane!" All suggestive and sensual scenes have been changed to a prayer group or Bible study as well.
"User response to KirkView has already well exceeded our expectations," said one of the developers. "Millions of Christians across the country and around the world have already watched classic films like Alien, The Matrix, The Shining, and Pulp Fiction over and over again on KirkView." According to the developer, audiences are responding very positively to the actor's performance, whether it's as both Jack and Rose in Titanic or every single Minion in Despicable Me.
The following films and shows are already available, plus hundreds more:
- Game of Thrones, starring Kirk Cameron as everybody
- Saving Private Ryan, starring Kirk Cameron fighting World War II by himself
- A Star Is Born, starring Kirk Cameron opposite Kirk Cameron
- Jurassic World, starring Kirk Cameron as all humans and dinosaurs
- The Hunger Games, an exciting film where 24 Kirk Camerons face off to the death
A competing service featuring Kevin Sorbo, tentatively titled KevinSorbet, is expected to launch next month.