OKOLONA, MS—Several state and federal wildlife and environment watchdog organizations blew the whistle over the weekend on Okolona Lakeside Community Church's 2-3-year-olds' class for decimating the local population of Goldfish crackers.
The children were said to be "completely careless" with their consumption of the crackers, ravenously scarfing down box after box during the 60-minute-long time of Bible stories, crafts, and throwing sand at each other. By the time the kids' parents came to pick them up after chatting with their friends in the sanctuary for an hour after service had ended, there wasn't a single Goldfish left in the city or surrounding wildlands.
"If this class keeps overhunting the Goldfish population, there may not be any cheesy crackers for future generations to enjoy," said Dr. Pete Lentils of Mississippi State University. "We need to implement sustainable practices to ensure that these kids' grandchildren will also be able to enjoy watered-down lemonade and dry Goldfish crackers during Bible time each Sunday."
Environmentalists have proposed reasonable policies like "bag and possession" limits, licensing each kid to only a certain number of Goldfish kills each Sunday, and forcing kids to throw some Goldfish back into the box for future repopulation.