HELL - In a statement offered to reporters during a 15-minute recess from hell, dictator and mass murderer Joseph Stalin announced he now identifies as a strong woman of color in order to deflect criticism away from his socialist policies that killed millions.

"I now identify as a strong woman of color, and a lot of men simply can't handle that," Stalin said, sassily snapping his fingers in a "Z" formation. "It drives them crazy to know that a strong woman of color such as myself can wield so much power." Stalin stated that white men simply feel threatened by his accomplishments and can't possibly have any legitimate criticisms of his policies, including a centralized economy that led to mass starvations, a brutal police state, genocide, and government control over every area of citizens' lives.

Millions of people quickly apologized to Stalin after the announcement was made.

"If we had known that Stalin was a strong POC, we wouldn't have distanced ourselves from his policies," said one moderate Democrat in New York. "It is always wrong to criticize a woman, especially a minority woman, no matter how repulsive her ideas and how many people's lives they would destroy."