WASHINGTON, D.C.—Well, this is embarrassing: Congress accidentally just banned the federal government.
The major faux pas came during a push for more legislation against guns and the deranged people who wield them to commit acts of terror. After some bipartisan bickering and tacking billions of dollars of pork onto the proposed legislation, lawmakers virtuously passed a bill that outlaws violent gun-wielding groups.
Though the legislation was intended to target fringe groups that use firearms to commit acts of violence, such as gangs, far-right nationalist groups, and terrorists, it was worded too vaguely and accidentally banned the entire federal government. The law specifically named "groups that use violence and wield guns to steal money and property, threaten people, and kill innocent civilians in a callous, egregious manner." Instantly, the federal government became an outlaw.
"We just meant, like, regular, on-the-street criminals," said one congressman sheepishly. "Not, like, official, elected criminals."
Congress appealed to the courts and thankfully, a judge who was chosen by the federal government and whose paycheck comes from the federal government ruled that the federal government was exempt from the law.
"That was a close one," said one politician. "Next time we'll be more careful to specify which types of violence are OK."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.