ISRAEL - A newly unearthed portion of the gospel of Mark, discovered in an ancient pottery piece dating from the first century, reveals at long last the part of the gospel narrative in which Jesus affirmed everybody's pet sins, reports confirmed Tuesday.
The new fragment of the gospel relates in great detail a story of Jesus confronting sinners and Pharisees and encouraging them to follow their hearts and be true to themselves.
And so Jesus went up to the mountainside to preach to the crowd, saying, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, you're beautiful no matter what they say. Don't ever change."
The text further records Jesus listing off various sins named in the Scriptures and confirming that they're no longer considered sin, as long as the wider culture affirms and celebrates them.
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that love is love, and whoever commits adultery is really just living their own truth and not settling for less. Don't be haters."
The scrap of parchment has already sent shock waves through modern Christendom, with thousands of pastors and theologians switching positions on a plethora of controversial social issues.
"It's pretty clear in this new text that Christ came alongside the marginalized, like sinners and tax collectors, and told them to just go ahead and keep sinning," Pastor Tim Keller said of the discovery. "As a student of the Bible, I have to affirm people in their sins now."
"It's loving like Jesus did, after all," he added.