EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel announced an exciting new line of gender-neutral dolls recently, causing progressives to praise the company and conservatives to foam at the mouth and demand a safe space.
But there's one feature of the dolls that hasn't yet been discussed: according to a Mattel insider, the dolls will emit a powerful blast of pepper spray and alert authorities if your child refers to the doll with the wrong pronoun.
An early, limited-release of the doll has already employed this feature several dozen times. Cleveland five-year-old Maddy Paulson excitedly picked up her doll and said, "This girl is so pretty. I want to play with her!"
Immediately, the doll's eyes turned red and its head swiveled slowly toward Paulson's face. "DID YOU SAY 'HER'?"
Paulson shrugged. "Yes, you are a girl and you say 'her' for girls."
"WRONG PRONOUN DETECTED. DEPLOYING COUNTERMEASURES." A pepper spray nozzle emerged from the doll's forehead and hit the girl with a several-second-long blast. "REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, BIGOT. POLICE ARE ON THE WAY."
As the girl screamed in pain and rolled around on the floor, the doll utilized its built-in miniature projector to display a presentation on the girl's bedroom wall, explaining how misgendering, deadnaming, and using the wrong pronoun are hateful and hurtful.
"It hurts, waaaaa!!!" she screamed.
"PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS LESSON ON TOLERANCE," the doll droned on, threatening to use its electric shock functionality should the girl not comply. "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."