OSLO, NORWAY—The Norwegian Nobel Committee was reportedly considering President Trump as a recipient of its prestigious Nobel Peace Prize, as the president had submitted his name for consideration to them over 67 times. But after reviewing his credentials, the committee concluded that he had not launched enough drone strikes against foreigners to qualify.
"Yeah, you've dabbled in attacks, but what we're really looking for is someone who's really committed to a secret drone war," said a spokesperson for the committee. "Look at previous winners like Barack Obama: now there's a shining example of someone who achieved world peace not through lame diplomacy but by blowing up foreigners with impunity."
Obama also criticized Trump's drone strike count, saying they were "rookie numbers" and he needs to "pump those numbers up."
"My fellow Americans, it represents a danger to democracy when we have a president who's either unwilling or unable to bomb as many foreigners as I did," Obama said, reading off a teleprompter. "During my scandal-free presidency, I was able to drop over 26,000 bombs some years."
"Those were the days," he added, going off-script as his eyes glazed over and he recalled the feeling of dark, evil power that coursed through his veins when he ordered drone strikes on foreign nations we were not at war with, innocent civilians, and the occasional American citizen.
The Nobel Prize committee said they would consider Trump again next year, provided he starts a war with Iran.