LYNCHBURG, VA—Biblical scholars at Rawlings School of Divinity have uncovered new evidence that Jesus often condemned the Pharisees by calling them "Marxists."
"I was shocked, but pleasantly surprised by this news," said seminary student Carter Poochinella. "I call people Marxists on Twitter and Facebook, like, every day. I had no idea how Christlike I already was."
Scholars uncovered the new evidence while translating an ancient inscription found in Jerry Fallwell's personal journal recounting the time when Jesus condemned the Pharisees as hypocrites. The inscription was roughly translated as follows:
"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, Marxists! For you are ignorant and all your policies are communist and dumb. Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, Libtards! For you have not provided ample evidence to back up your erroneous claims!" Matthew 23:13-14
Conservative pundits and social media users are hailing the new translation as closer to the original spirit and meaning of the text. Progressives, however, are insisting the word translated as "Marxists" is better translated as "Alt-Right Supremacists."