NORTH POLE – A spokesman for Santa's Workshop today announced the organization's latest advance in their ongoing efforts to determine who's naughty and who's nice: an Elf on the Shelf with the ability to hack into and review social media accounts for examples of misgendering and other hate speech.
Gilford McTwinklebottom, Director of Research and Development for Naughtiness Surveillance, told gathered reporters, "Our new Elf represents the cutting edge of naughty detection technology. Our scientists were able to combine normal elf DNA with a strain of highly volatile DNA that we were able to obtain from Taylor Lorenz. We then combined that with the same technology that shows you a bunch of Metamucil ads on your Instagram feed whenever you say you have to go to the bathroom. The result is the perfect Elf on the Shelf, and something that is not at all creepy to have in your house watching you all the time."
Developers say the new E.O.T.S. will spend days observing normal naughty behavior, like tantrums or hiding in the pantry while you eat brownies and drink wine. But at night, the elf will use its advanced capabilities to review all household social media accounts to make sure that everyone acknowledges that "Trans! People! Are! People!" and that there are no suspicious likes or shares of Elon Musk, Tulsi Gabbard, or that pillow guy.
"Just be good, for goodness sake!" continued Mr. McTwinklebottom. "As long as everyone behaves, you'll never find yourself on the FBI's naughty list. Did I say FBI? I meant Santa! Santa's naughty list! Whoops! Ha ha!"
Mr. Twinklebottom then announced he was leaving Santa's Workshop to manage the App Store for Apple.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
