U.S.—New documents recently uncovered by Smithsonian historians confirmed that the group of pilgrims and Indians who gathered for the first Thanksgiving argued vehemently about politics throughout the course of the meal.
The newly discovered journal seems to indicate that just after giving thanks for the meal, one Pilgrim from England drank too much mead and began to rant about “making the colonies great again,” kicking off several hours of hostile glances, passive-aggressive remarks, and flat-out argumentation.
“Apparently, Uncle Charles was asked to eat at the kids’ table after a tirade about how real patriots need to support King James I, and several Wampanoag Indians and younger Puritans alike wouldn’t stop talking about their participation in a string of violent protests throughout the colonies,” Dr. Gary Etherton, a Smithsonian researcher said Tuesday. “They called themselves ‘the Resistance’ for some reason.”
Arguments centered around “common sense musket control” raged as one Pilgrim mother complained about the large quantity of wheellock muskets left lying around without observing proper gun safety rules, while at the other end of the table, a fistfight broke out over a Ten Commandment display in front of the Plymouth General Court.
At publishing time, historians had also confirmed that the bickering over politics ceased briefly for a pick-up American football game on an adjacent lawn.