BLUFFTON, IN — Local man Mark Connors wouldn't describe himself as ungrateful so much as surprised to learn that, as an adult, Christmas didn't involve more cars with giant bows on them waiting outside.
"TV commercials make it look like it happens all the time," Connors said. "I mean, I haven't gotten a car with a giant bow on it even once. Once in twenty years. Why is that?"
"Does my family even love me?"
According to Connors, he has never once been woken up on Christmas, led outside with his wife covering his eyes so he couldn't peek, and treated to a beautiful new Lexus wrapped in a giant bow.
"I just thought it would happen more often, is all," Connors reflected, staring out at the window at an empty snow-covered driveway. "But maybe this year is the year. I've been a very good adult."
Experts suggest the belief that adults get cars wrapped with bows on Christmas morning became a common after Lexus began its "December To Remember" ad campaign in 1999. Every year since, the car company has spread misinformation in the guise of a clever commercial that good little adult boys and adult girls would get a free car on Christmas. Yet it never happens, even among the rich.
"Rich people give each other cars all the time, it's like toys to them," said rich-person expert Gregson Lowry. "But cars with bows on them? It's absurd. No one can tie a bow that big. No one."
At publishing time, Mark Connors' wife, Heather, sat him down to tell him there wouldn't be a car with a giant bow on it, wouldn't be here this Christmas, just to keep his expectations in check. Connors did not take it well, however, saying, "Next, you're going to tell me Santa doesn't even exist."
These friendly Christian extremists have gotten out of hand.
