NASHVILLE, TN - Christian entertainment company 4HisGlory Amusements has announced an exciting new escape room experience based on Calvinist theology. Participants will be entirely unable to do anything to escape the room and instead must wait for an actor playing Jesus to unlock the door and let them out.
Owner Kenny Bacon said the room itself will be a library filled with Bibles, theological texts, and various other Christian media. Participants will be free to freely study all the information at their disposal, but nothing will have any impact on their ability to escape the room.
"We really wanted our escape room to reflect the true Calvinist theology of unconditional election," Bacon said. "There are lots of great things you can do inside the room, but none of them will help you escape. You must simply wait for Jesus to unlock the door and call you out."
Bacon said the entire experience will be seemingly random, just like salvation. "Some groups will be saved right away, and sometimes it will take a while," he noted. "Some people won't escape at all, and some will be called to escape against their will. It will all be something of a divine mystery."
Bacon said the firm is planning to expand its offerings by adding an Arminian escape room. "The room and the experience will be very similar," he said. The key difference is in the Arminian room, Jesus won't come and let you out unless you specifically ask him first."
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.