NEW YORK, NY - NBC Sports reported a dramatic decline in ratings for their Winter Olympics programming, earning them the coveted gold medal for Olympic Ratings Dive.
Chairman Pete Bevacqua of NBC Sports proudly accepted the medal on behalf of the network, though he did so remotely due to China's stringent border policy.
"It's an honor to compete," said Bevacqua, a glint of tears in his triumphant eyes. "Our entire team has been dedicated to alienating viewers for many years now, and it's amazing to be recognized for all our hard work."
Infront Sports & Media AG were the frontrunners for this particular event because they own broadcasting rights to the Sahara Desert where no one has a TV. However, NBC Sports programming, which applauded trans-snowboard slalom activism and praised China as a gracious Olympic host, turned many viewers off. In the end, a single viewer in Tunisia caused Infront Sports to lose the gold.
On the opposite end of the spectrum was China's CCTV network, which had incredible ratings due to China's "mandatory viewing" policy. President Xi Jinping was adamant that this was an event China could afford to lose because the revenue they're generating from American companies more than makes up for one less gold medal on display.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.