NEW YORK, NY—In an effort to salvage its relationship with China, the NBA is now requiring all players to stand for the Chinese national anthem at the beginning of every game.
The official song of the People's Republic of China, "March of the Volunteers," will be played at the start of all professional basketball games, whether at home or abroad. All players, fans, coaches, and employees will be required to stand and solemnly sing lyrics including the following:
Millions of but one heart we run towards the Communist tomorrow!
Build our homeland, guard our homeland, and fight gallantly.
March on! March on! March on!
We, for tens of thousands of generations to come,
Hold high the Flag of Mao Zedong, march on!
"We hope this gesture of goodwill will show China that we love them and there is no need for our multi-billion-dollar deal to fall through," said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. "March on, Mao!" Silver then performed a soft jazz rendition of the tune and bowed low to the ground to show President Xi Jinping that he is very sorry.
Anyone who doesn't comply will be shot, a beloved Chinese custom that should further smooth things over with the authoritarian regime.