WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to a startling new report issued by the Environmental Protection Agency, the nation’s precious supplies of chill have become dangerously close to being depleted, and may run out entirely before the end of next month.
“We basically have no chill,” EPA Director Scott Pruitt told reporters at an emergency press conference. “We’re not sure what happened. Most people used to have at least an adequate level of chill, and suddenly, nothing. We’re almost out.”
Pruitt further stated the highly contentious 2016 presidential race may have contributed to the sudden drop in the nation’s chill reserves, but refused to elaborate so as to avoid further diminishing them.
“If the American citizens would just do their best to take a deep breath and relax, hopefully we can collectively generate enough chill to get things back on the right track,” he added. “Everyone, please do your part.”
At publishing time, the nation’s comment sections indicated that no one had heeded the EPA’s warnings, as absolutely no one had any chill to go around.