U.S.—According to sources across the country, the nation's progressives woke up this morning and checked the news to see just what it is they're supposed to be boycotting today.
Leftists from coast to coast confirmed they don't know which businesses they're supposed to boycott until they check Twitter's trending hashtags, Vice, Vox, Slate, and The Huffington Post for confirmation.
"Olive Garden? Cool. Down with Olive Garden!" one man in Portland said after checking the news and seeing that Olive Garden supposedly supports the Trump reelection campaign. "SoulCycle? Are we still boycotting SoulCycle? Great. I don't exercise anyway." The man then learned he was supposed to boycott Amazon, Chick-fil-A, Walmart, Uber, and the upcoming remake of Mulan for various reasons.
He then angrily tweeted about each of these companies, copy-pasting the reasons he now hates them from an article he read on Jezebel. "If you support these companies that I didn't care about at all yesterday, you are CANCELED," he posted.