WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a blow to President Trump's image as a savvy businessman, records show that Trump lost over one billion dollars from 1985 to 1994. The news has also caused him to be mocked by fellow politicians, who found taking a whole decade to lose only a billion dollars "beyond amateur."
"It took him ten years. Ten years!" laughed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "I often waste a billion each day before breakfast."
"His rookie mistake was wasting only the money of his own business," explained Senator Bernie Sanders. "The trick is, don't even have a business. Waste the money of other people's businesses -- and of lots of random people you just don't care about."
Even freshman congresspeople like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez were making fun of Trump. "I just got here," said Ocasio-Cortez, "and I already have multiple plans to lose trillions of dollars. And a trillion is way more than a billion. Like at least ten times more."
Former president George W. Bush joined the Democrats in their mockery of Trump, pointing out that he added trillions of dollars to the national debt fighting wars. "Wars are fun, so it was kinda worth it. But also it wasn't, because we didn't really win. I'm not really sure why we were there. But we had a good time. And that's what counts. It's the journey to the count that destinations. Er--well, it's the count of the number of destinations to your journey that counts. The saying goes something like that anyway. Heh. But Trump doesn't know the first thing about blowing that kind of money."
Trump does have some proposals to waste money, such as his border wall, but estimates have that costing as little as $5.7 billion, a number many politicians still characterize as "absolutely pathetic."