U.S.—The nation's average IQ is expected to rise a full 50 points should TikTok be banned, a new study claims.
"Should the app be banned, Americans will immediately gain an incredible amount of intelligence," said the head researcher on the study. "Not watching hyper-fast videos of people dancing and making banal jokes is expected to contribute greatly to the nation's collective cognitive ability."
Experts claim that people will immediately begin smoking pipes and reading fine works of literature by the fire. "Plato, Socrates, Homer, Tolkien -- all the classics," said one analyst. "We believe people will start playing 3-D chess and Go at high levels against one another rather than wasting their time with plebeian things like 'dancing' and 'music.'"
"In fact, it's possible that everyone instantly becomes a brain surgeon once TikTok is gone forever."
One man who recently deleted TikTok from his phone seems to support the conclusions of the study. "Oh, TikTok? What is that?" he said just days after deleting the app. "Ah, yes, the so-called 'phone application' that provides entertainment to the masses. Well, let them have their bread and circuses, I say. I have more important things to do." He then resumed his work on a cure for cancer.