WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement to the press Wednesday, Clay Parks, a spokesman for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, talked about the agency's displeasure with how political pressure has distracted the bureau from its main mission: uncovering vast conspiracies within the government to cover up visits from alien life.
"First, it's all this Russian election meddling business," Parks said, "and we're sorry, but there's no conspiracy there. You guys honestly elected Trump. And recently we had Dianne Feinstein send a 35-year-old sexual assault allegation our way. And that was it. We're not here to fight your political battles. We're here to uncover what really happened at Roswell."
The FBI, which was founded by three unknown men of whom exists only one blurry photo, has long had their men and women work in basements poring over possible images of UFOs and redacted files trying to find out what shadowy forces in the government have been trying to keep the public from knowing about alien visitation. But that work has been interrupted by pressure to investigate politically related issues.
"Look, there's nothing interesting to investigate about Trump's connection to Russia," Parks continued. "Everyone acknowledges Russia exists. What is a promising avenue, though, is investigating whether Trump had his DNA combined with alien DNA and that's why he has that odd coloration and hair. But we haven't had time to look into that since we keep getting distracted by all these political issues. It's almost like there's a conspiracy…."
Parks then singled out a mysterious figure near the rear of the press room who stood in the shadows smoking a cigarette. "This is all your doing, isn't it?!" Parks yelled at him before adding, "No smoking in here!"