U.S.—The entire nation repented and trusted in Christ as their savior Monday after hearing a new single released by pop superstar Nicki Minaj, sources across the country confirmed.
Citing the release of yet another X-rated Minaj track as their motivation to seek someone to save them from their sins, seekers poured into the nation’s churches over the weekend and repented in droves, rending their garments and weeping bitterly. Hundreds of millions came to faith in all, including lapsed Christians and former unbelievers.
“This single is frightening evidence of the wrath of God being revealed against all ungodliness, as described in Romans 1,” a somber pundit said on CNN. “May God have mercy on us all.”
“God has surely given us up to debasement. Woe is me, for I am undone!” he cried, falling to his knees while tearing his suit jacket from top to bottom. Gathering his composure, the news commentator then led the nation in the sinner’s prayer on live cable television.
“The single appears to have woken the nation out of its spiritual slumber,” pastor John MacArthur said in an interview on NBC. “The Lord moves in many ways, including through the works of unimaginably explicit and vulgar recording artists like Miss Minaj.” MacArthur suggested that the single was God’s final warning to an apathetic nation, and it appears to have worked.
“As C.S. Lewis famously said, ‘God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our grating rap singles,'” he added.