HEAVEN — According to angelic sources, the Almighty God decided to move up the date of the apocalypse after seeing the trailer for the new Narnia movie directed by Greta Gerwig.
After much speculation about what direction Gerwig would take the film adaptation of C. S. Lewis's classic book The Magician's Nephew, the trailer assured fans that she would be ripping the soul out of Lewis's work and dancing on its grave to high-powered classic rock music.
"After seeing what Gerwig did to Lewis's beloved world, God has decided to push the apocalypse way, way up," announced a spokesangel. "While no one still knows the day or time, we do know the plans have been greatly accelerated. The Lord began calling for the four horsemen about halfway through the trailer, right about the time he saw Narnia filled with glitter. One does not take a deeply poignant story of a young boy with a dying mother experiencing the fullness of creation, sin, and redemption, turn it into Willy Wonka, and not suffer the consequences."
Surveys of Christians who had witnessed the trailer showed overwhelming support for imminent Battle of Armageddon. "Send the fire now, O Lord. We deserve it," said local man Gary Schneck. "We have seen the ultimate fruition of humanity's evil. Frankly, it would be unjust of God not to begin the apocalypse as soon as possible."
At publishing time, theologians had begun penciling in the apocalypse for February 11, 2027, the day before the film's release.
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