U.S. - For one brief day, America is putting on hold the constant messaging that fathers are useless jackwagons who should have no say in childrens' lives.
"Haha! Look at that stupid Dad who keeps screwing everything up until his wife comes to fix it!" said everyone watching everything on TV ever. "No wonder he's the butt of every single joke and his children treat him like trash. Wait, what day is it? Oh, Happy Father's Day!"
"For this one day, we shall set aside the fact that the patriarchy is to blame for every evil under the sun," said NARAL president Mini Timmaraju. "As our enlightened culture expresses in every form of media, men are always wrong and simply do not have the requisite IQ to operate a toaster. However, let us set that aside for one day and graciously give those over-sized children a chew toy and a pat on the back."
Sources say within certain pockets of America, Dads are still routinely treated with honor for being a source of strength, love and provision for their family. In such areas, men report Father's Day to simply be a celebration of the absolute best job on the planet. Studies find such unusual levels of happiness and mutual respect occur most often when each family member has been disabused of the idea that the world revolves around them, specifically by encountering the unfathomable love of Jesus Christ.
At publishing time, sources indicated that with the nation soon returning to its campaign against Dads, families would be best served by smashing every piece of technology in the house with that new Father's Day hammer.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
