WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following President Biden's speech yesterday, the nation observed a moment of silence lasting exactly 0 seconds long as they read the names of those who suffered death at the hands of supporters of former President Donald J. Trump.
Vice President Kamala Harris thanked Biden for his bold speech and took to the podium to announce the moment of silence. An intern then reverently handed her a folded piece of paper.
Several media pundits watched as Harris carefully unfolded the paper and stared at it blankly for a moment before waving the intern back. The vice president could be heard whispering, "This is blank."
Kamala Harris then cackled wildly and said, "Thank you. This is a somber day." before slinking back into the shadow from whence she came.
Biden returned to the podium to thank President Harris for her fine work on the border. "Kelloramatap. Pollinwaffle." he added with tears in his eyes.
MSNBC's Joy Reid later said of the event, "So many people must have died that she couldn't bear to read it. Truly shocking. I'm more encouraged than ever to hate white people."
Rep. Adam Schiff of California was quick to point out that just because no one actually "died" doesn't mean Trump didn't "kill" them.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.