LAUREL, MD — NASA's DART mission ended in disaster today as one of their female space drivers crashed a spacecraft directly into an oncoming asteroid. To save face, NASA is now claiming the collision was completely on purpose.
"We totally meant to do that!" said Mission Commander Sarah McKinley. "The entire point of the mission was to intentionally crash our multimillion-dollar vehicle into an asteroid the size of a football stadium just to see what would happen. Our space driver Amy Lynsel did a great job purposefully crashing completely intentionally on purpose and not at all by accident. Great driving, Amy!"
Other sources say the crash was indeed an accident, as Ms. Lynsel had intended to steer the craft around the asteroid, but couldn't decide whether she wanted to fly to the left or to the right around the giant rock. Witnesses say she then got all flustered and let out a nervous "squeak" before letting go of the controls.
NASA officials confirmed the mission was a success, claiming it was some kind of planetary defense mission to redirect asteroids rather than an unfortunate mishap wrought by a woman driver. "Wow! Another successful mission, thanks to NASA woman!" read the official statement.
At publishing time, NASA confirmed that several unsuccessful attempts to parallel park the company vehicle were just routine crash tests.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: