SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Running behind, as she normally has it to him by 11:00 a.m., House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi hurriedly sat down to tap out tonight's Jimmy Kimmel Live! script Friday afternoon, inside sources confirmed.
Pelosi quickly produced a finished monologue containing savage attacks against President Trump, railing against the new GOP tax plan, Obamacare individual mandate repeal, net neutrality repeal, recognition of Jerusalem as Israel's capital, and the ongoing Russia investigation, among other topics, before opening her email to send it to Kimmel.
"Here are tonight's talking points, Jimmy. Sorry it's late," she reportedly wrote in the email's body. "Really stick it to the new tax plan tonight. Keep those emotions at 11. You've been nailing it lately - keep it up!"
At publishing time, Pelosi had hit "send" on the email, just as an expectant Kimmel was repeatedly refreshing his email as he needed to start rehearsing for tonight's show.