NAACP To Close Its Doors After Starbucks Ends All Racism Forever

BALTIMORE, MD—The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People announced Wednesday morning that the long-standing civil rights organization would be closing its doors after learning that Starbucks had successfully completed its mandatory, company-wide unconscious racial bias training.

“There’s really not much left for us to do,” NAACP CEO Derrick Johnson said in a statement. “This four-hour training session managed to achieve total racial harmony, accomplishing things far beyond our wildest dreams.”

NAACP officials will begin boarding up their offices immediately, with the majority of locations and activities expected to be completely closed down by the end of the week and the rest to follow by the end of next month.

The impact from the Starbucks’ short training session Tuesday afternoon was immediate and widespread. Formerly unconsciously racist Starbucks employees were seen openly weeping after watching a video on the dangers of racial profiling. KKK and Nazi groups emerged from their meeting places and tore their garments in the streets, embracing members of the minority groups they had so long maligned and despised. A tearful Donald Trump even came forward to apologize for the times he’s been “insensitive” and “careless” with his language when it comes to race and ethnicity.

In addition to shuttering the NAACP, the coffee chain’s diversity training managed to force civil rights icons Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton into early retirement, with both leaders announcing they would no longer be commenting on issues of race, since they no longer expect there to be any. “With Starbucks driving social change through their single afternoon of diversity training, our services are no longer needed. We thank you for supporting us in our battle for civil rights. Farewell,” Sharpton said in a tearful speech Wednesday morning.

“And to think, all we needed to do was show people a short video,” he added, shaking his head.