WASHINGTON, D.C. - President-elect Joe Biden will be inaugurated this week, and due to his incredible popularity with the American people, he will be inaugurated in a top-secret location behind a massive 12-foot wall guarded by 30,000 soldiers.
"The reason President-elect Biden has to do this is that he's just so incredibly popular," said Don Lemon on CNN. "He has so many rabid fans that they might try to rush the stage as they're overcome with enthusiasm and love for Biden who is by far the most beloved candidate who has ever run for President."
In addition to the 12-foot electric fence topped with razor wire and the 30,000 heavily armed soldiers who have been vetted as Democrats, there will be flying drones programmed to target MAGA hats, a platoon of ninjas, and a moat filled with crocodiles dug all the way around the Capitol Building and White House.
Biden will then be escorted to a secret underground bunker patrolled by attack choppers where he will give the oath of office in a dark concrete room with all the recording equipment turned off.
"This is a slight break in tradition but it's necessary because Biden is just so incredibly popular and loved by the people," said Nancy Pelosi.
Sources say that Biden will be brought to an undisclosed location after the inauguration to live out his remaining days peacefully until Kamala Harris's inauguration next week.