YELLOWSTONE, WY—One of the things most affected by the government shutdown is the National Park Service. Not considered essential, some parks have been closed due to the lack of funding. This has been especially devastating to the thousands of bison of Yellowstone who have now been kicked out of the park while it’s closed, forcing them to scrounge for other work while they wait for Congress and the president to resolve their budget issues.
Bison are slow, dull-witted animals and, as a species, lack programming skills, making them unsuited for modern tech jobs. Now that they are no longer receiving government paychecks, they’ve been found roaming nearby towns in Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho looking for odd jobs. A lucky few have found employment as sign twirlers, but most have not been able to translate their job skills—munching grass within sight of tourists—to the private sector. Some have resorted to more desperate measures, leading to tragedy, as reportedly two bison were killed yesterday in a meth lab explosion.
Activists have tried to use the images of the homeless bison to pressure President Trump to sign a budget and end the shutdown, but Trump was unmoved by the pictures, simply exclaiming, “Those ugly cows need haircuts!”