CANAAN - In a somber press release outside the burning gates of torment and suffering, the fire god Moloch warned of looming supply chain issues regarding child sacrifices.
Moloch added that human sacrifices, purifications, ordeals by fire, mutilations, etc., would cease until the supply chain shortages were sorted out through democratically violent means.
"My demon logistics department is reporting a supply chain shortage of children to sacrifice upon burning idols and in fiery pits," said the god of brazen gratification and hedonism. "The scarcity of innocent young lives to be brutally murdered at my feet is mostly due to the US Supreme Court's upcoming reversal of Roe v. Wade, led by white supremacist Clarence Thomas."
An uncomfortably large percentage of the US population cried out in fear and terror at the prospects of not being able to sacrifice children of a loving Heavenly Father for their own, selfish desires. Eyes rolled back in their sockets and blood-curdling screams pierced the air in the name of egomaniacal convenience.
"What about my career as a corporate drone who loves binge-drinking on the weekends!" cried one woman at the steps of the Supreme Court building while holding a protest sign reading "My Body, My Choice, My Vanity, My Career, My Parties, My Barren, Loveless Life."
At publishing time, Moloch was considering the allowance of back alley child sacrifices using common household objects and horse medication.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
