NEW YORK, NY—Major League Baseball has banned all red baseball caps as "symbols of hate."
The league wanted to ensure that no one will feel uncomfortable, should they mistake the red hats of teams like the Angels, the Reds, the Cardinals, and many others for a MAGA hat.
"Effective immediately, there's a $10,000 fine per player who wears a red cap during a game or in public," said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. "We want every Major League Baseball game to feature a welcoming, inclusive atmosphere, and we can't do that when people are being triggered by these red caps."
Any red shirt with a slogan on it is also banned, as people from hundreds of yards away might see them and think they are a Trump supporter, causing the viewer to fall on the ground and convulse and then maybe even die.
"We welcome everyone," said Manfred. "So anything that looks like a MAGA hat is not welcome."
Teams formerly wearing red ball caps are encouraged to instead wear inclusive headgear like rainbow-colored hijabs, blue Coexist cabby hats, or mullets with a heart shaved into them.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.