WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Democrats have been criticized for calling on others to reduce their carbon footprint while they themselves drive SUVs, fly around in private jets, and own multiple homes.
Well, at long last, one of the candidates isn't just talking the climate change talk: in a solemn ceremony Friday, Bernie Sanders leaped into a wood chipper to eliminate his carbon footprint once and for all.
"It would be wrong of me to call on women in third-world countries to have abortions when I myself am a huge net polluter," said Sanders in a speech before the big event. "Can you imagine if I were to sit there and lecture everyone on climate change and population control, but then not be the first to volunteer? How hypocritical would that be!? No, I am a man who stands behind my beliefs."
Finally, after a long, running start and a push from his aides, Sanders hurled himself into the chipper, screaming, "PLANETEERS---THE POWER IS YOURS!" just before disintegrating to a red mist, his harmful effects on the climate ended once and for all.
Inspired by Sanders's example, other Democratic like Pete Buttigieg, Cory Booker (he's still running, right?), and Elizabeth Warren have all volunteered to off themselves in order to jumpstart their population control policies.