GLENSIDE, PA — Local Christian man Nicholas Cartwright defied all odds when he successfully graduated from Westminster Theological Seminary while somehow not losing his faith. Despite multiple semesters at seminary, Cartwright is now miraculously still a Christian.
"It was definitely hard sometimes," admitted Cartwright. "Some of the courses and professors seem almost as though they specifically intend to destroy someone's faith. It's almost as if seminaries have morphed into institutions that are designed to keep people from becoming strong, biblically-trained ministers. It's weird."
Westminster, like most seminaries, has gained a reputation for taking professing Christian applicants who want to become ministers and converting them to atheism within just one or two semesters, thanks in part to rigorous courses that test their faith, intellectualism that fills students with pride-inducing knowledge, and sick keggers. "It's not so much a seminary as it is a great party school," said fellow seminary student David Martin. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to defend my beer pong title. God bless you!"
Nicholas Cartwright now hopes that his seminary degree and rare talent for maintaining his belief in the gospel of Jesus Christ will help him lock down a position as Lead Pastor at one of the local churches in his neighborhood back home.
At publishing time, an update revealed Nicholas was reportedly having a difficult time finding work as a pastor because all the churches in his area were more interested in hiring candidates who have a knack for entertainment than a gospel-centered call for repentance.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
