U.S. — Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has officially reversed the COVID vaccine requirement for the military, as it is no longer needed now that all the Conservatives have been weeded out.
"This vaccine was a great success in helping us eliminate anyone who valued freedom, thought critically, or voted Republican," said Austin. "Now that those pesky conservatives have been forcibly removed from our military, we can finally move forward in our sacred mission of promoting diversity, equity, and inclusion around the world! Also, bombing kids in Yemen. Can't forget that."
Authorities at the Pentagon are now confident they have a completely obedient, sufficiently woke fighting force capable of any mission, as long as the mission doesn't include prolonged, strenuous activity which seems to be causing people's hearts to explode for some reason. "Our military has never been stronger!" said Austin as he left for his weekly blood clot-removal procedure at the hospital.
At publishing time, the Navy had also started playing Elton John 24/7 on bases and ships to weed out the rest of the straight males.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
