LAS VEGAS, NV — As he continued to train intensely for his upcoming bout with the YouTuber, boxing legend Mike Tyson was upset to discover his contract to fight Jake Paul includes a "No Punching Jake Paul" clause.
The former heavyweight champion of the world was frustrated to learn he had spent the last several weeks training daily for a fight in which he would not be allowed to punch his opponent in the face.
"What'th Thith?" Tyson asked his training team. "How am I thuppothed to have a fight with thith guy when I can't even punch him in the fathe? Thith ith ridiculouth! He wanths me to jutht thtand there and let him danthe around and hit me? Who thigned thith contract anyway?"
When reached for comment, Paul's team defended the unusual clause in the contract. "Hey, nobody was forced to agree to it," one of Paul's managers said. "It's all signed, legal, and valid. The contract clearly states there will be no punching of Jake Paul allowed. We think this will make for a really exciting fight. Jake's confident that he'll come out on top without taking any damage."
Tyson was determined to find some way to win the fight. "I've thpent the latht thix weekth training," he said. "I'll figure out thome way to thmash hith fathe in."
At publishing time, Tyson's team was looking into reports that the contract also contained a clause that stipulated that Tyson would be blindfolded and have both his hands tied behind his back.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
