Following the death of Iranian President Ebrahim Raisi in a helicopter crash over the weekend, the deceased leader questioned the furnishings of Paradise and wondered why it was so crazy hot up there.
"I was expecting more virgins…72 of them to be exact," Raisi commented. "And why is Jannah so hot? And who is that scary-looking man with the pointy ears and pitchfork laughing at me? This is supposed to be a garden of pleasure. Who should I talk to about all this?"
As a devout Muslim and committer of only pure and righteous deeds, a now deceased Raisi told reporters he was confused about why Paradise was on fire, something he'd never read about in the Quran.
"I never did a single thing wrong in my life! I mean, I did help orchestrate the slaughter of 1,200 Jews on October 7th but surely that would please Allah! Why is Paradise so hot and where is all the stuff I've been promised? At this point, I'd settle for 71 virgins…"
As of publishing time, Raisi was seen trying to talk a very annoyed Prince Of Darkness into sending him upstairs and was yelling at the demons poking him in the rear to please stop and fetch him some hot babes.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
