CARMEL, IN — When asked about the viral social media topic, former Vice President Mike Pence told reporters that he refuses to think about the Roman Empire unless his wife is present.
"It simply wouldn't be appropriate," Pence said solemnly. "I believe, as a man of integrity, I should only engage in consideration of the Roman Empire and its related events in the presence of my loving wife of 38 years, Karen Pence. If my thoughts are to stray from her to subjects like the Gallic Wars or the Flavian Dynasty, I should have her by my side in full agreement."
Pence campaign insiders say the former vice president will leave the room if a group of other men begin speaking about the Roman Empire. "He holds himself to a very high standard," said campaign staffer Ray Traylor. "He is diligent about actually scheduling time on his calendar to sit and think about the Roman Empire, and he makes sure his staff has it in sync with Karen's schedule so she can be present. It's quite admirable."
Pence has stated this commitment is part of what sets him apart from other presidential candidates. "My fellow Republican candidates are much more loose with their thoughts," he said. "My former running mate, as president, used to sit in the Oval Office and think about the Roman Empire at all times of the day. That's simply irresponsible, in my opinion."
At publishing time, the Pence campaign told the media the former vice president and his wife were meeting privately this afternoon so he could ponder the Roman conquest of Britain in the first century.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.