MT. VERNON, OH—According to sources in a dark, mysterious land known as the "Midwest," one visitor from California found himself horrified when he left his hotel to go for a walk and found that all the trees were on fire. He began to hyperventilate as he collapsed on the trail in panic and cried out for help.
"HELP! Dear God, help me!" he cried. "The fires followed me here from California! Please God, spare me. I'll do whatever You want. I'll give up avocado toast for a year! I'll start tipping my UBER drivers! PLEASE!"
Thankfully, a good Samaritan came upon the distressed young man in the woods. "Hey, my dear, don't worry. The trees aren't on fire. They just look that way. Here in Ohio, we have this thing called 'seasons.' We have spring, summer, fall, and winter. This is fall. During this time of year, the green trees change colors to look red, orange, and yellow! Isn't that neat?"
The young man wiped a tear from his face and looked around. "Wow... it's actually kinda pretty, isn't it? So no fires?"
"No. No fires. We haven't had one of those here in 400 years. You can relax, son."
"SON?" he replied. "Did you just assume my gender?"
The Ohioan then shrieked and ran away in terror.