SEATTLE, WA — The Microsoft Corporation announced today that they've developed a convenient new 47-factor authentication protocol for all Windows-enabled computers.
A spokesperson for Microsoft said that the new unnecessarily complicated measure serves as the company's latest response to the ever-increasing need for digital security.
"Two factors just weren't secure enough," said Wayne Parkington, director of media relations at Microsoft. "So we went back to the drawing board to design a simple, easy-to-use, 47-factor security protocol that anyone can remember."
Starting today, users will need to enter their usernames and passwords to log in, followed by an authentication code sent to their phones. "After that," Parkinson said, "they'll just need to type in their email addresses, last 4 digits of their phone numbers, their mothers' maiden names, street addresses, shoe sizes, inseam lengths, amounts they say they weigh, their actual weights, hair colors, eye colors, nose hair colors, license plate numbers, names of firstborn children, middle names of firstborn children, Social Security numbers, favorite sports teams, left eye prescriptions, preferred toothpaste brands, toaster settings, credit card numbers, PLU codes of randomly-selected fruit or vegetables, high school GPAs, names of first employers, recommended tire pressures for their respective vehicles, pets' ages, family medical histories, TSA known-traveler numbers, European shoe sizes, heights (in centimeters), favorite Bible verses, colors of their first cars, favorite movie quotes, credit scores, blood types, skin colors, latest cholesterol readings, least-favorite pizza toppings, first pets' names, refrigerator temperature settings, 3rd favorite TV shows, streets they grew up on, dates they last trimmed their toenails, Little League batting averages, and first grade teachers' middle names. And that's all."
Consumers were already responding positively to the upgrade. "Honestly, this is simpler than having to identify all of the images with crosswalks or bicycles," said local accountant Wayne Bradley.
At publishing time, Bradley reported that he was just able to finish logging into his work email account before the end of his 8-hour shift.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
