UNITED STATES — Shock rippled through the world of figure skating after the sport's highest-profile athlete issued a statement no one would have ever expected to hear in their lifetime. Gavin Turley, three-time Men's Figure Skating champion, formally and publicly came out of the closet as heterosexual.
Fans were left reeling in their velour vests.
"I can no longer live a life full of loops, lutzes, and lies; I...I like women," said Turley to a crowd murmuring and gasping in disbelief. "To all of my fans who feel disappointed or betrayed, I assure you I'm still the very same graceful, slender, sequin-clad boy twirling about in tight pants and makeup, only I'm out there thinking about how gorgeous women are instead of... you know, the other thing."
Some insiders expressed skepticism at the veracity of the figure skater's announcement, surmising that it could be a publicity stunt to distract from Turley's recent array of poor performances in back-to-back sporting events. At the same time, others argued that his dismal scores may in fact prove his claim of being a straight man.
Gavin Turley has asked for privacy during this time while he ponders his future skating career while watching hockey.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.